Hello Dear Sister,
GOD PROVIDES WHERE HE LEADS. yes?? yes.
In His provision, I was led to listening to a podcast episode on shame- just one week prior to a deeply personal shame spiral.
While shame is a very familiar-to-me negative emotion, this particular incident was brought about through experiencing a miscarriage at 10 weeks gestation.
(Warning: Sister, if you are not in an emotionally ready place to hear about this topic today, please click x and consider returning at a later date. You are seen & heard by a GOOD and LOVING God. Feel free to send a message & connect. We would be honored to hear your story, to pray with & for you and your family.)
The following thoughts or definitions surrounding guilt/shame have been adapted from the following source:
The Journeywomen Podcast (click here for episode website)
Shame
definition: "Shame is the painful emotion that arises from an awareness that one has fallen short of some standard, ideal, or goal." by TE-LI LAU (Defending Shame)
note-shame is an emotion or feeling versus an objective truth (guilt)
E.g. We can be shamed by others/our culture/friends or family
+ NOT be guilty [of what? of transgressing against God's standard as given in His word] =
& yet feel shame by interpreting an event as shameful. "It's because I..."
"I lost the baby because ____________________."
-I'm not a good enough mom.
-My body is unhealthy. I should have _________ or should not have ______ re: diet/exercise.
-I wasn't grateful enough for this pregnancy. I cried and grumbled too much about how sick/nauseous I was instead of giving my attention to the celebration of this new precious gift of life.
-While pregnant I walked in a spirit of fear rather than power and self-discipline (I'm so sick. We have 3 sets of twins in our family-what if its twins!? I don't know how we'd survive having twins!)
s.elf
h.atred
a.t
m.y own
e.xpense s-h-a-m-e
For another share that touches on shame, miscarriage & The Gospel see this Ash Wednesday Reflection written by my cousin (2023). Here she gives language to what I too, now, have felt. It is written in such a beautiful way and most importantly pointed me right back to Christ. Thank-you for this, E.
"I felt within myself that I was no longer carrying the life of my baby; but that rather, I was carrying the lifeless body of my baby. I was filled with the strange shame that comes with miscarriage.."
and
" I didn’t know how to move from a place of expectant joy to a place of hidden grief for someone whom I alone had had the privilege to physically embrace. "
"feeling the shame of having moved from life to death"
Examples from The Bible about shame: see Matthew 26 & 27
(Again, this is my paraphrase from the above mentioned Journeywomen Podcast.)
PETER & JUDAS ISCARIOT both felt shame and this negative emotion did align with their objective guilt.
Peter was ashamed for denying Christ and Judas was ashamed for betraying Christ.
A major difference between Peter & Judas is seen in their response to this negative emotion. What did they do or think in this most intense moment of shame? Matthew 26:74 & 75 (ESV)
Peter
"74 Then he began to invoke a curse on himself and to swear, “I do not know the man.” And immediately the rooster crowed. 75 And Peter remembered the saying of Jesus, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly."
Did you see it? What did Peter do or think in his moment of greatest shame "75 And Peter remembered the saying of Jesus"
Peter remembered the WORDS OF JESUS/ life itself.
See John 6:68 "Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, 69 and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” Peter BELIEVED and had COME TO KNOW GOD.
compared to Judas
Judas was more sorry for the result of his sin (Christ's condemnation) than for the sin (his betrayal) itself. God cares about our heart conditions <3
Even this traitor testifies to Christ's innocent character (27:4 "I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.")
GOOD NEWS:::IT'S ALL ABOUT JESUS, SISTER
On the cross Jesus Christ [[willingly]] bore our objective guilt AND our shame! When we're in Christ we don't need to be ashamed even when guilty because Christ took our shame and covers us with his glory and his honor (see Matthew 27:27-31).
How God carried me, in this season:
I cried out to The Lord, "Jesus, provide for me here where you have led me. Give me this day my daily bread." [sister, he heard & answered my prayer! continue reading to catch a small glimpse of his provision...]
1) As my cousin wrote about the Ash Wednesday service being "a set aside space which gave me permission to grieve what I had lost and to grieve the extensive ways that all is not right in the world and in my own heart."
I also was gifted a set aside space to grieve. My husband took the children out for a walk which permitted me to RUN TO JESUS. His word is living and active (Heb. 4:12) and as mentioned above LIFE ITSELF, sis.
In laying on our porch swing, womb now a tomb, sobbing & filled with shame. I determined to do like Peter and to REMEMBER
[to remind, recall to one's mind, return to, be mindful of]
the words of Jesus.
To be still and know (Psalm 46:10).
So,
I prayed, "Jesus,what are your words for me in this time of grief resulting from pregnancy loss?"
2)His gentle Holy Spirit still small voice reply: "I love you"
3) songs Holy Spirit watered my grieving soul with:
Written in Red (heard sung by Chrystal Harmony in my youth @ church)
"Oh, precious is the flow, that makes me white as snow
No other fount I know, nothing but the blood
The blood of Jesus
I love you, I love you
That's what Calvary said
I love you, I love you
I love you, written... In Red"
&
East to West (Casting Crowns)
"… I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your Word reveals
I'm not holdin' on to You, but You're holdin' on to me
You're holdin' on to me...'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
&
4) His sword or scripture that He has already armed us with in order to fight off those enemy attacks of condemnation. He has given His word to us, it is OUR responsibility to wield it well- and never lay it down!
✙John 3:17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. "
✙John 15:13 (AMP) No one has greater love [nor stronger commitment] than to lay down his own life for his friends
✙John 3:16 (NIV) "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
✙John 3:16 (The Remedy)"For God loved the world so much that he gave me, his One and only Son, so that all who open their hearts and trust me will be healed, and therefore not perish but have everlasting life."
NOT: “For God so loved the miscarrying woman that he gave her a new baby of her own, that whoever believes in him will no longer miscarry, but have a pro-creative life.” We know God loves us because he gave us his son; we do not measure or prove God’s love for us by anything else.
Romans 8:38-39 “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
That “…nor anything else in all creation” includes your baby. Their life or death does not separate us from God’s love.
all things in blue copy/pasted from here: Strengthen Me According To Your Word
5)a sisterhood of "me too" women who have walked this hard road before me. Mothers/aunts/cousins/friends/friends-of-friends/OR nurse/insurance call center lady+++ have all faithfully pointed me back towards Jesus as their one true source of hope & satisfaction.
E.g. An OR nurse who I'd never met before and who I did not seek support from but who shared (from her own obedience to The Spirit) of her personal story of loss accompanied with saying: "I am just so thankful for God's grace". AMEN, sister.
6)my treasured family of God, brothers & sisters, who have maybe not carried this particular cross but have chosen to walk alongside me as bearers of my story AND as light bearers of God's loving, sovereign, goodness. They're carrying me in prayer, in practicing presence or listening, in the thoughtful text or call, in the showing up and helping with the practical (childcare, meals, ++). In the gentle reminders that God's plan is not ours- it is so much better. (Isaiah 55).
Dear sister-loved-by-God,
in your hurting, in your sorrow- please consider seeking The Lord, with this question:
Jesus, what are your words for me in this___(season/event/circumstance)___?
Remember:
"I am The Lord's. I am His responsibility"- Wen Wei Chieh
Parents, remember:
"My children are The Lord's. My children are His reponsibility."
[responsible= response + able]
response[answerable/a reply (i.e. WHY God? Where? When? How? What?)] + able [sufficient/satisfactory]= responsible
&
I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.
AMEN
let it be so!
xo
p.s. GOD LOVES YOU
the above photo is of a box containing the heart-beat doppler from my midwife group
3+ months after our loss, I finally got around to tearfully returning it-
box unopened. contents untouched.
My hope (Jesus) lives in heaven- praise The Lord!
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