Testimony: JUDGEMENT as an idol to be surrendered

Hello sister! 
 
Today I (Kristina) want to share a snippet of my testimony <3

 
I was raised hearing scripture and being told that God loves me. As I grew in my relationship
with the Father I learned much about Him, His plan for creation, the fall, and the truths of
scripture. Despite having accepted my need for Jesus crucifixion as atonement for my sins, I
continued to struggle with a piece of myself that I couldn't seem to release. I gripped tightly
to the action of judgment. In doing so, I deemed myself as judge. God was so kind to me to
bring a self-awareness that my judgement was becoming an idol. The act of judging had
become something I relied upon heavily to bring a sense of order to the world.  

 
Following my junior year of college in WA, the summer of 2018, I chose to say YES to the opportunity

to commit 8 weeks on a Summer Mission. The purpose of this mission was to learn how to do

evangelical outreach and to immerse myself in scripture daily with fellow college kids to learn about the

Lord. While on this Summer Mission God revealed to me that my judgmental attitude needed to

change. This idol needed to be uprooted and surrendered to Him. I had used judgment of myself,

motivated by fear, to 'keep myself from sinning'. This may have served a function to 'help me not sin' but

it wasn't motivated out of an earnest desire to do good and love well but rather, it was motivated by the

fear of failure and of falling short. 

 
I struggled to love people well as I was speaking kind words to people, but I was simultaneously judging

them. This disconnect was difficult to bear. It left me with a relational divide, a distance that I couldn't

bridge. I used my own life as a "measuring stick" and constantly compared myself to others. I went to a

secular university and was surrounded by people drinking themselves sick, having casual sex, getting

tattoos, and some smoking marijuana. I found it very difficult to love them well while I still saw them

as sinners "less than" myself. This isn't how God intends His children to view each other! 
 
Romans 5:8 says "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God". I realized "all" included me too.

As a desperate attempt to decrease my judgement of my friends, I chose to make myself more like

them, thinking that my judgement of my friends and people in general would cease if I were in a similar

state. I wanted to 'take myself down a peg' and 'loosen up'. With this motivation, I had a drink and

(on a separate occasion) I smoked a joint, and I even got my first tattoo, all with this hope of decreased

judgement in mind. Despite my hopes, making myself like my friends in some ways did NOT fix my

flawed view at all! The only thing that changed was that following these actions, I was unavoidably

included in the sinner category.

 
It took this summer mission, with hours and days spent in the Word and prayer for God to speak truth

to me. I had prayed "Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of

everlasting life" (Psalms 139:24) various times over the years, but during this Summer Mission God

truly did point out this piece of my mindset and my heart that offended Him.

 
Hoping to read further about judgement, I studied Matthew 7:2 "in the same way you judge others, you

will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you". In studying this I realized that

the measurement must be binary- we are either sinless or sinful! The flexibility of ranging amount of sin I

expected to see and 'use' isn't based in scriptural truth. 
 
Romans 6:23a says "The wages of sin is death". Every human on earth fails to meet this. The verse then

concludes "but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord". 
 
This summer clarified to me that I needed to restore God to His rightful place as Judge. It is not my role

to presume to understand or judge my neighbor, but rather to love them wholeheartedly! God alone can

judge. This insight was so freeing! I thank God for His love and continued refining of me! His pruning of

my judgement was a sweet gift, difficult to have pointed out to initially and challenging to remove through

surrender, but 100% valió la peña (worth it). Later this summer I was baptized (another story for another

time) but God's voice and care for me were so sweet to experience.
 
God loves us so tremendously where we each are at! He meets us where we are, and out of love

He refuses to leave us where we are! Instead He heals us and in our weaknesses

He is made strong <3
 
My first tattoo was in 2016. I had a friend tattoo a delta, the symbol for change in science and math,

near my heart and lungs on my ribs to remind me that God is not finished changing me!

Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” I view God as

my Potter, for I am but a chunk of clay. I cannot wait to see how God continues to form me and

I pray that I may continue to be pliable in His capable Hands,

surrendering to His authority time and time again. 

 
May God bless you in your walk with Him today!
 
Prayerfully your loving sister,
Kristina